Kick It Up A Notch!
by the zapdos
Summary: Do you hate having to wait for new episodes of your favorite show, Phineas and Ferb, to air? Here's something to help bide the time. It is an assembly of one-shots where each chapter is an original "fan-made" episode. Even though they are all written by me, I own no part of the actual show. For only those who can't get enough P&F.
1. Episode 1

**I won't say it again: I do not own Phineas and Ferb or anything related thereto.**

Episode 1: Teeth and Trampolines

All was quiet as the clear morning light danced playfully through the window, giving shape to the room in which the two boys enjoyed their final moments of slumber. On the nightstand an alarm clock shone the time 6:59 for only a moment before reaching a new hour and setting off the alarm.

"Good morning, Tri-State Area!" Phineas and Ferb awoke to the cheerful voice of the morning radio host. "It's another beautiful summer day, so hold on to your platypuses, and make it a great one."

"Sounds like a plan to me!" Phineas said, stretching. "Hey Ferb, wake up! We're not having our best sleep in day ever until next week!" As Ferb stirred, he accidentally bumped Perry, receiving a mildly annoyed chirp.

"Good morning, Perry," Phineas said, while Ferb picked up the platypus and held him high in the air.

"Grdrdrdrdrdrdrd," the platypus chattered in response.

Phineas shifted to shut off the alarm, but suddenly something the speaker said stopped him. "And good morning to you, too! It's such a marvelous, magnificent, wonderful, happy, bright, shining day today! I can't even begin to describe how much it just warms my insides to be the first thing you hear on such a great day! It pleases me beyond measure! It delights me without end! It—hey, how did all you people get in here? It's supposed to be locked! What's that you say? No; no I am not too cheerful to be a morning talk show host! It's literally part of the job descript—hey! Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to _please_ put that down. Yes, down! No! Not right there, you'll cut the—BZZT!" Just like that, the room was silent once more.

Phineas gave Ferb a quizzical look before a different voice addressed them from the radio. "I'm sorry, we seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties." Then a soft instrumental tone began to play a familiar tune.

_{Bow chika bow-wow, that's what my baby says!  
Mow-mow-mow, and my heart starts pumping!}_

Phineas turned off the radio and sat down on his bed. "So, what should we do today?" He said, bringing his hand to his chin in thought. "I know! We can build a motorcycle that transforms into an airplane! No wait, we've already done that. How about we make a slinky that can do that thing slinkys do, you know, like this?" He gestured to Ferb by revolving his fingers around in a circle to demonstrate. "But we will do it from the tallest skyscraper in Danville!" Ferb's expression didn't change. "You're right, Ferb, that might be considered invasive to the private sector." The wheels in his brain continued to churn. "I know! We could build a microscopic pogo stick!"

"What benefit would a microscopic pogo stick have over a regular one?" Ferb asked.

"I don't know," Phineas responded. "It could probably bounce higher. No, you're right, Ferb. We can do better than that. We should do something simple, something that everybody loves, a toy that every child dreams of having. Say, Ferb, what's your favorite toy?"

Ferb didn't hesitate. "A Ferb-E," he said, holding out a furry green stuffed animal that looked like a brick crossed with an alien.

The toy, noticing it was holding the boys' attention, squawked in a high-pitched voice, "Easter! Easter! Easter egg, Easter egg, Easter egg!"

Phineas recoiled. "Dude! Why do you still have that thing? It's creeping me out!"

Ferb set the toy back on his bed next to Perry. Perry warily glanced at the Ferb-E and emitted a warning chirrup. "You tell it, Perry. We are so not making another one of those things," Phineas proclaimed while he headed over to the computer the two shared. After a quick internet search, Phineas announced, "I got it! It says here that the most popular toy of all time is a trampoline! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Ferb's expression was unreadable as always.

"Then it's decided!" Phineas agreed. "We'll build the coolest trampoline ever! Hey, where's Perry?"

The two boys turned and saw that the platypus was no longer laying on Ferb's bed. The Ferb-E, noticing the break in noise, began to sing, "Doo-bee doo-bee doo-bah! Doo-bee doo-bee doo-bah!"

* * *

Agent P fell into his lair and climbed into his red seat. The screen above him flickered on to display the face of Major Monogram. "Good morning, Agent P. The evil Doctor Doofenshmirtz is at it again. We don't know what he's planning, but our analysts, and by that I mean Carl, say he's been researching dental hygiene. Which normally I'd say is technically good; but most people are afraid of getting going to the dentist, so whatever he's up to is probably evil. Make sure it gets eliminated." With a salute, the secret agent departed in his hover car.

* * *

"Gahhhhhh, there's nothing to dooooooo," Candace drawled while she lay half moping on her bed and half hanging over the side. "The only thing that takes my mind off being so bored is busting my brothers, and I'd be better off trying to eat my own foot. Well," she reasoned, slowly picking herself up, "might as well go see what they're up to this time. Not that it'll do any good…"

Meanwhile, the boys were busily working. As Ferb was hammering away overhead and Phineas was tightening some screws into a metal frame, the quirky-worky song ended in the background: _Bah-duh-dee-dee-dah, bada da da dah._ Without warning their teenage sister appeared beside Phineas.

"Alright," Candace said unenthusiastically, "let's get this over with. Phineas, what are you up to?"

Phineas turned away from his work to look up at her. "Ferb and I decided to build a trampoline today."

"A trampoline?" Candace cocked an eyebrow, looking unimpressed. "Isn't that a little too _possible_ to be up to your standards?"

"Yes, yes it is," Phineas responded, causing her to roll her eyes. "But we aren't just making an ordinary trampoline; you'll see."

"Well unless Mom sees, I don't really care." Candace turned to walk back to her room. In a monotone voice she added, "I'll be back to bust once I overcome my state of depressed boredom and ennui."

"I hear grilled-cheese helps fight those negative feelings," Phineas advised as she closed the door behind her.

"I don't take advice from little brothers!" He heard her yell through the window.

* * *

_Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated_

The hover car took no notice of the fact that there was a wall in the way and smashed right into the living room. Agent P leapt out and quickly pressed a button on the outside of the craft, causing it to instantaneously fold itself into a briefcase.

"You can hang that over there on the coat rack if you'd like," Doofenshmirtz said with an unamused demeanor, as by now he was quite used to having his wall smashed through. Agent P set the briefcase on one of the rungs and accidentally activated a hidden switch. Two ropes lashed out and bound him by the wrists, hanging him up with his arms overhead and causing his webbed feet to dangle a couple inches off the floor.

"Haha! You fell right into my trap!" Doofenshmirtz gleefully gestured. "Sorry, I didn't mean to _rope_ you into this." Turning, the evil scientist walked towards a strange shape covered in a white sheet.

"Now, Perry the Platypus, you will witness my latest creation. Behold," Doofenshmirtz theatrically grabbed the sheet and flung it off the device, "my Wisdom-teeth-inator!" A small bench was revealed, sporting a cushion for laying on, while multiple strange mechanical claws stuck out of the sides and rested curled up over the top, like two rows of scorpion tails.

"I bet you are wondering what it does. Well, it all started back in my childhood. In Gimmelstump, very few children ever had their wisdom teeth removed. Most parents were too poor to afford the operation, and most doctors weren't skilled enough to perform it." Doofenshmirtz remembered in a flashback the image of a doctor trying to figure out by the light of a torch how to plug in a drill when there was no electricity. Reverting back to the present, he continued, "Sadly, I don't have any insurance so I still cannot afford to get my wisdom teeth pulled, hence I invented this machine to do it painlessly for me. Unfortunately for you, Perry the Platypus, the procedure will leave me temporarily vulnerable to your attacks, so I'm gonna have to leave you tied up until it's finished." Agent P tried pulling himself up to gnaw at the ropes, but struggled to make any headway.

Doofenshmirtz climbed onto the bench and laid back. "Oh, wait!" He announced, sitting bolt upright. "I can't forget the sleeping gas, so I don't feel any of the pain. Here we go," said he, placing a clear plastic mask over his face. "Within moments, Perry the Platypus," he continued as he laid back down, "I will be sleeping peacefully, and you will be—." The last sound he made was a loud snore as the claws went to work.

* * *

_I am only eating this because it's my favorite sandwich,_ Candace reassured herself as she bit into her grilled-cheese. _Not because Phineas told me to; I would have wanted one irregardless. This has no correlation whatsoever to him and Ferb and their weirdical weirdness._

As time went on, she started to hear more sounds of construction going on in the backyard. She attempted to drown out the noise by watching TV but inevitably she was drawn back outside. Candace thought she had reached the point where there was nothing her brothers could do now that would surprise her, but what she saw upon drawing back the blinds instantly proved that notion wrong.

"You have got to be kidding me," she said, unable to hide the shock written on her face. She whipped out her phone. "This time, you boys are going down. Down, down, down!"

* * *

Agent P watched the claws deposit a small object he assumed was a tooth into a nearby bucket and slowly creep to a stop, signaling that the procedure must be complete. The evil scientist lay prone for a few minutes, finally stirring when one of the claws prodded him. He gently rose to a sitting position and looked around the room. As Agent P watched, something in Doofenshmirtz's movements seemed strange. Doofenshmirtz gently felt the side of his jaw with his hand and made what sounded to Agent P like a goat noise. "Haremi?"

Agent P cocked his head sideways, trying to understand what he said. "Haremi? Haremi?" It seemed like every syllable took considerable effort to enunciate. Finally, Agent P understood what he was saying. "Where am I?" Suddenly he began to wonder if Doofenshmirtz had accidentally used too much Novocain.

Doofenshmirtz slowly stood and began to stagger about the room. His legs looked awkward and rigid, like they were asleep. Doofenshmirtz found a tall mirror and stared at himself. "My kimbles a hemmemmy?" He slurred, using a nearby counter for balance. Suddenly his eyes widened in surprise as he made eye contact with Agent P through the mirror. "Pelly la plapypoops!?" Doofenshmirtz shrieked and stumbled backwards, falling over and rolling. Instead of stopping, he let himself roll and roll in a continuous series of backwards summersaults while simultaneously making baby noises for his own amusement. When bumping his back into the Wisdom-teeth-inator stopped him short, he threw his head back and cackled crazily.

Agent P shook his head in disbelief. Doofenshmirtz had drugged himself silly.

* * *

"I think it's finally finished," Phineas announced as he and Ferb beheld their creation. High above the lawn of their backyard was a complex compilation of stretchy trampoline tarps held by an uncountable number of springs angled in every which way imaginable. Trampolines had been assorted of every size and shape and were held at every angle conceivable. Finally, there were multiple stories of springs, allowing one to jump from higher to lower tiers at his leisure. Together, they allowed for all kinds of tricks including jumping sideways, at all sorts of angles, and from very and to very high places. Underneath the entire structure lay a safety net as a precaution. Taken altogether, it looked like a loopy building made entirely from trampolines.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Phineas asked, and the two boys rushed forward to begin bouncing. The material was the best, allowing them to bounce as high as they desired. Ferb started to show off a little, doing some flips and tricks. Phineas had some tricks of his own; jumping through loops and breaking silly dance poses in mid-air, including a karate kick, a meditating monk, a diver, and even a mock ballerina pirouette. As his poses became increasingly ridiculous, he did the Statue of Liberty (he was somehow fully dressed in iconic garb during that jump), a cowboy swinging a real lasso (again he had instantaneously changed into a cowboy hat and jeans), and then a pantomime feigning to be standing on thin air (nobody knew how he kept changing in the brief moment he spent off-screen each fall). Ferb joined in on the fun, posing as a rapper with bling, a camper resting in a sleeping bag, an Easter Island tiki head, and a flopping fish out of water.

After running out of whimsical gags, Phineas spoke. "Hey Ferb, let's go try out the dodgeball room!"

One camera wipe and an instant later, they were standing in it.

"Cool! We've got holographic opponents to face-off with!" Phineas exclaimed. As he said it, projections of light appeared on the far side of the court, quickly morphing into large, rough-looking, snarling alien monsters. A strobe light materialized from the ceiling, flashing the room with all sorts of other-worldly colors and hues; and a switch somewhere clicked, adjusting the gravity inside the room to a fraction of what was normal for earth. A bell rang, signaling the start of the match, and soft rubber balls fell out of the ceiling.

"Awesome!" Was all Phineas said as he and Ferb began bounding around the court which was of course made with only trampoline-like surfaces allowing for bouncing off walls, floors, and all. Ferb caught a ball and threw it skillfully, hitting one opponent square in the chest. Another ball came flying at him, but in midair; Ferb bent over backwards in slow motion, barely dodging the projectile while simultaneously imitating a famous movie scene.

Meanwhile, Candace was walking towards the contraption whilst talking to her mother on her cell. "Mom, you won't believe what they built this time! It's a huge clubhouse thing made out of trampolines! You gotta come home and bust them right away!" At that moment, she tripped on her own shoelace, landing on the only trampoline that was at ground level. Her momentum caused her to rebound upward into the next level, where she landed on another trampoline causing her to bounce higher still.

All Candace could do was scream as she helplessly flew from tier to tier; narrowly dodging in the process a jumping shark contained in a small pool somewhere below, the circus loops Phineas had been using earlier which were now inexplicably lit on fire, and a swinging pendulum upon which a monkey was nested. Candace dodged the pendulum, but the monkey caught her by the arms and swung her like a trapeze acrobat. She was caught by another monkey that was actually using a trapeze. It hauled her up and gave her a slobbery kiss on the mouth before swinging her in a new direction entirely.

Candace landed in a fairly large, open spot that absorbed most of her momentum, allowing her to come to a rest. "Ew, yuck!" She mouthed, wiping her face off. "Phineas and Ferb!" She screamed, "you two are so busted! Huh?" Suddenly, the spot she sat on began to sink, as if by her own weight. Deeper and deeper, it was pulled by some unseen mechanical force until Candace was stuck in a tight space low beneath the rest of the plane of the trampoline. Without warning, it sprang back upward with such force Candace was sent hurtling skyward at a mind-numbing pace.

"AAAAAHHHHHHH!" She screamed as her hair whipped along behind her, rising ever higher until she peaked. For a second, time slowed, and she saw the whole Tri-State Area sprawled out far below her. She began to fall back down, falling for longer than it seemed possible, and screaming the whole way.

With a crash, she fell through the ceiling of the dodgeball room and was caught by the trampoline flooring right next to Phineas. "Hi, Candace!" Phineas greeted. "Watch out!"

At that moment, a dodgeball flew out of nowhere and hit Candace upside the head. "OW! What was that for!" No sooner had she spoken then a barrage of rubber balls hailed down upon her, pelting every square inch of her body. "Ow, ow, ow! Stop it! Stop it!" Was all she could say while she shielded herself with her arms.

Ferb leapt into action. He picked up a ball and tossed it into high into the air. In slow motion, he expertly leapt and twisted in mid-flight, then kicked his foot over his head in a bicycle maneuver used only by master soccer players. His foot impacted the ball with such force and accuracy that it hit all the monster opponents, slamming target after target, using each ricochet to redirect it toward the next one. Just like that, all of them were out, and the onslaught Candace had been exposed to ceased.

"We won!" Phineas celebrated. "Nice D-balling there, Ferb."

"Phineas!" Candace growled, rising to her feet. "I'm telling Mom!" With that, she stormed out of the arena.

"Great," Phineas responded. "Telling Mom what?"

* * *

The situation hadn't improved much. Doofenshmirtz had regained most of his speech and body control, but he was still wacky as a hammer and a two-by-four. Agent P couldn't help but wish he had a video camera right now; this would get tons of laughs back at the Agency.

"Wheeeee! Wheeeee!" Doofenshmirtz was pretending his screwdriver was a toy airplane and kept flying it around the room. In series of violent collisions, he crashed it into the arms of his Wisdom-teeth-inator, rendering it virtually broken. "We are the Bumblebees who strike with digilence!" He commented, jumping up and down in excitement. "My goldfish stand smitten by brevity! Acknowledge thine attention, Mr. Sodapants!"

Doofenshmirtz galumphed his way over to a cabinet. Slamming the hatches wide open, he pulled out a compound bow and an arrow. Suddenly Agent P snapped alert, for his crazed nemesis was now carrying a weapon. But Doofenshmirtz started twirling the bow by its string like a baton, and all fear passed the secret agent just as quickly.

"I am the very model of a modern Major Monogram," Doofenshmirtz sang as he paraded around with his makeshift batons. "I've information vegetable, animal and hologram; I tote an underwater cam, I weigh a dainty kilogram, I am the very model of a modern Major Monograaaaammmmm!" As part of the enthusiastic finale, Doofenshmirtz nocked the arrow and fired it in a random direction, finishing with his arms outstretched. The arrow ricocheted off the wall at just the right angle that on the rebound it sliced through the ropes that were holding Agent P aloft. He landed softly and leapt into action towards Doofenshmirtz, extending his leg for a powerful kick.

Doofenshmirtz watched in slow motion as the platypus flew through the air directly at him. He had no time to react. Then, at the last second, Agent P's foot veered to the right, kicking the arrow to knock it off its trajectory. After cutting the rope, it had reflected off the wall again to whistle right back at Doofenshmirtz, and Agent P had reacted just fast enough to intervene with the projectile. The arrow smashed sideways into the wall and fell harmlessly to the floor.

Doofenshmirtz was still incapable of processing events as they happened. By the time Agent P could hide the arrow somewhere safe, the bumbling evil scientist had already wandered halfway across the room. "My hair has frogs in it, where's some shampoo?" He heard him say.

Agent P considered his options. He could have returned home, his mission was finished. Doofenshmirtz had already destroyed his own Inator, which wasn't really evil to begin with. In this state, he was more of a danger to himself than to anyone else. But that was exactly why Agent P was still here. He may be his nemesis, but he couldn't let Doofenshmirtz hurt himself somehow while recovering from the painkillers. But as soon as the doctor was thinking clearly again, he was out.

It was like babysitting a child. In a montage of scenes, Agent P entertained Doofenshmirtz by playing hop-scotch, tying a towel around his neck like a cape, riding around in wheelchairs, painting, repeatedly flushing the toilet, and even jumping together on the bed; all the while not really listening to Doofenshmirtz jabber a continuous stream of nonsensical commentary: "I love flapping, flapping flapping flapping. Carnivorous folding chairs, who knew? In presents I see my diaper rash, my kites, my yo-yos, my hernias. Hernias and hyenas. Hyenas and hernias. Stop being like a cat! Dirty pamphlet. Reminds me of camping. And flapping. Flapping flapping flapping. Salt and pepper and telescopes for you. And don't forget. Don't ever forget, cause my back breaks bread on Tuesdays. Bad guys buy sheep, too. That's why you plan for tomatoes when your schedule falters and the peanuts get dry cleaned. The Aglet König told me. Yep, plus there's always flapping. Flapping flapping!" _Well, at least he's starting to use complete sentences. _

"Googooba bookakah, reenuu deplukeshaw."

_Scratch that last,_ Agent P thought to himself.

* * *

"Hurry up, Mom, you better be here quick!" Candace said to herself as she turned around the corner of the house to stand in the front yard. "We're really coming down to the wire, here!"

* * *

"I'm Lindana, and I wanna have fun! I'm Lindana, and I wanna have fun!" Linda sang aloud while she sat in the car with the radio blaring her old song, idling in traffic.

Cutting back to Candace, the teenager caught the beat and began singing. "I am Candace, and I just gotta bust! I am Candace, and I just gotta bust!"

Linda took over. "I'm not Roxanne, I'm not Eileen, I'm not Sharona!"

Candace sang the next line, dancing as she did so. "Bros drive me crazy, and I'm feelin' like a loner!" (sounds like lone-a)

"And I don't wanna study, work, or stay at home-a;" Linda continued.

"Just leave me brothers I can bust when Mom comes home-a!" Candace quipped.

The screen split down the middle, showing them singing together.

_I'm Lindana, and I wanna have fun!  
(I'm Candace, and I just gotta bust!)  
I'm Lindana, and I wanna have fun!  
(I'm Candace and I just gotta bust!)  
I wanna-wanna-wanna-  
(I gotta-gotta-gotta-)  
Have fun fun fun!  
(Just bust bust bust!)_

* * *

"Ooh, my Break-the-fast-inator," Doofenshmirtz said, inspecting one of his old inventions. "Would you like some tea too, Mr. President?" With that, Doofenshmirtz poured a cup of tea and handed it to his Inator.

"But sir," Norm the robot insisted, "that's your Levitate-inator! You don't have a Break-the-fast-inator!"

It was too late. Doofenshmirtz attempted to balance the teacup on the tip-top of the machine, but it fell and splashed liquid all over, causing sparks to issue forth from the Inator. A laser shot off in a random direction just as there was an explosion, sending Doofenshmirtz hurtling through the air.

* * *

A small girl was playing outside with a stick, pretending it was a wand. "Abrakadabra! Alakazam!"

A few houses behind her, a giant trampoline tower ascended into the air, rising to meet the clouds. The girl turned to watch with wide eyes before running back inside shouting, "Mommy! Mommy! I did magic!"

* * *

After what felt like an eternity for Candace, Linda finally pulled up to the front of the house. Candace rushed up to open the door and assist her mother out of the vehicle and on a one-way trip to the backyard.

"Hurry, Mom, or it'll be gone!"

The two women stepped into the backyard to find nothing there. "So, what was I supposed to be looking for, again?" Linda paused to cross her arms.

"No, no, no! It's not possible!" Candace fell to her knees dramatically. "Why must this always happen to me?"

"Oh, you're right, Candace!" Her mother said sarcastically. "This grass looks like it needs mowing, your father will be _so busted!_" She smirked at her daughter and exited to grab her things out of the car.

"Man, jumping on trampolines sure is thirsty work," Phineas informed Ferb as at that moment they stepped through their sliding door into the backyard with glasses in hand. "Hey, where did our project go?"

"Maybe if you put those glasses on, you'll be able to see it," Candace said dejectedly.

"Huh?" Phineas said, not understanding.

"It was a play on words," Ferb clarified. "She meant glasses as in bifocals, when in reality our glasses are cups containing ice cold lemonade."

"Oh," Phineas said, comprehension dawning. "Who in their right mind would think of something like that?"

"I can only surmise," Ferb responded.

* * *

"I can't believe you sold all that stock to buy a trampoline business, and you didn't even buy any trampolines!" The nagging wife exclaimed while her Napoleon-sized husband slouched in front of her.

Just then, a plethora of trampolines fell in bunches all around the couple, landing in perfect stacks to the left and right of them.

"I have dreams, you know," the husband responded in his nasally voice.

* * *

Agent P stood over his nemesis, waiting for him to regain consciousness. Slowly, Doofenshmirtz came to and sat up. "The square of the hypotenuse equals the sum of the squares of the two remaining sides," he chanted, rubbing his head. "Hey! I think I'm feeling better again!"

Agent P gave the evil scientist the thumbs up. "Oh, great, now I've got this weird feeling in my mouth where my missing teeth are, like the gaps are really big holes in my mouth." Suddenly, Doofenshmirtz remembered everything that had happened while he was induced, and felt a little embarrassment. "Perry the Platypus, I'm sure that, with you being a good guy and all, you'll keep all that stuff I did earlier just between you and me, right?" He sheepishly asked the secret agent.

Agent P smiled and patted his nemesis on the back. "Thank you, Perry the Platypus. Thank you."

* * *

_Later that day while the credits roll…_

All the agents had gathered with the Major and Carl to watch the film recorded by Agent P's hidden camera stored in his fedora. While the clips of Doofenshmirtz high on funny gas rolled, the entire agency rolled in laughter right along with it. All the strange and wacky things he did and said provided the perfect de-stressing session following a hard day's work fighting evil. In between fits of laughter, Monty bent down and whispered in Agent P's ear, "Hey, do you think I could get a copy of this? I gotta show this to Vanessa!"

* * *

**Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this, you might consider checking out some of my other stories. I especially recommend _Phineas and the Beanstalk_, another one-shot written like a real episode, and _Can Summer Last Forever?,_ which tells the story of the last day of the kids' summer. It's the EPIC would-be finale to the show. Both of them are really good, if I do say so myself! Thanks again!**


	2. Episode 2

Episode 2: Phineas Wonka and the Chocolate Ferbatory

"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty," Linda heralded as her teenage daughter finally arrived in the kitchen yawning.

"S'fer breakfast?" Was the only response she received in return.

"Oatmeal and grapefruit," Linda said, placing a bowl on the table in front of Candace. "The boys are already almost done with theirs."

"Mmm, good stuff Mom!" Phineas said from across the table as he put down his spoon. "Hey Ferb, you gonna finish that?"

Ferb was seated next to Phineas. He looked down at his food, then at his napkin. Taking the napkin and laying it across his bowl, he tapped it with a finger and pulled back the napkin, revealing a sparkling clean bowl.

"Fantastic!" Phineas applauded. Candace was unamused.

"Mom!" She called out accusingly.

Without looking up from the dish she was rinsing in the sink, Linda asked, "Boys, do I have to tell you not to play with your food before you eat it?"

Ferb held up the napkin to shield his head from view momentarily. When he flipped it back, his mouth was wide agape, displaying a mouthful of oatmeal for all to see. Signifying it was a success, two short trumpet blasts were heard in the background.

"Gross," Candace muttered under her breath.

"But cool!" Phineas said, hiding the trumpet he was holding under the table as Ferb closed his mouth to chew.

Linda couldn't help but smile as she listened to the sounds of her (mostly) happy children. "Now kids, listen up," she said, turning from her work to face them. "I'm heading out to Grandma's; she's finally agreed to pass her world famous secret recipe for hard toffee to me."

"A world famous _secret_ recipe?" Candace inquired. "Isn't that kind of an oxymoron?"

"Yes, yes it is." Linda stated. "That's why her cookbook is titled, _The Oxymoron Cookbook._ It's an oxymoron itself, because it only has the one recipe, so it's not much of a book."

Candace rolled her eyes. "And let me guess, you're gonna be driving out there to pick it up, so you won't be able to bust Phineas and Ferb."

"Well, not until I get back, at least, so yes; that is correct."

Phineas suddenly spoke up. "Grandma's toffee recipe?! Awesome! Grandma makes the best candy in the world!"

"Yep," Linda agreed. "You boys can help me make some when I get back." With that, she turned and headed out the door, leaving Phineas with his hand on his chin in thought.

"Hey Ferb," Phineas said, "I know what we're gonna do today! Hey, where's Perry?"

* * *

Linda pulled the car out of the driveway allowing the garage door to close behind her, and Perry quickly shifted into secret agent mode now that he had some privacy. He extracted his fedora from its most recent hiding place (behind the freezer) and a technologically advanced scanner appeared on the door leading into the house. It scanned his fedora and apparently accepted its code. With a snap, it folded itself into nothingness, and a row of new scanners materialized along the frame of the doorway. First, he leveled his eyeball to the low plane of a retinal scanner, then he placed his front paw on a touch screen for scanning, then he had his tongue scanned, then his webbed hind foot, then a tuft of fur, then his beaver tail. All was in order, and a keyboard appeared for inserting the final password.

Without any break in motion, Agent P quickly typed the password and was ready to walk through the door when a soft, computerized female voice said, "Access denied." Nonplussed, the secret agent tried again. "Access denied," repeated the voice. Perry thought for a moment to be sure he remembered this time and tried once more. "Access denied," said the voice.

* * *

"Whoops, just realized I forgot my sunglasses," Linda said aloud as she drove. "I'll just swing back to the house real quick and grab them."

* * *

Agent P attempted yet another password, but was met with the same, "Access denied." He pounded his fist on the instrument in frustration. Just then, the computerized voice said something new. "Host family automobile arriving shortly." Agent P looked out the window to see Linda approaching down the street; she would see him in a matter of seconds. He frantically typed another password into the machine. "Access denied." Another. "Access denied." She was almost home! "Access denied!"

On the verge of giving up, Agent P brought down both fists hard on the keyboard and banged his forehead into its center, right between them, in pure desperation.

"Access granted."

Agent P looked up, hardly able to believe that his random pounding worked. A smaller door appeared inside the doorframe, and he hurriedly jumped through it just as the garage door opened and Linda pulled in.

"Good morning, Agent P," Monogram greeted him as he landed in his red chair. "I apologize for the security malfunction back there. Carl went through to change the passwords last week but he slipped when he was inputting the one for that door, so the password to it is pretty much random keys hit in spurts until we can get maintenance on it. Now, to your mission. Find out what Doofenshmirtz is up to, and put a stop to it!"

With a crisp salute, Agent P activated his jet pack and departed.

* * *

Phineas and Ferb stood in the backyard, each holding one end of a blueprint that was as tall as they were. "The way I see it," Phineas was explaining, "we'll keep the candy corn next to the sweethearts, because they're the two seasonal treats that nobody really likes."

Just as he finished, the gate opened, and Isabella poked her head through. "Hey Ferb, hey Phineas. What'cha doin'?"

"Oh, hey Isabella, come on in and we'll show ya," Phineas waved her in. "Today, Ferb and I are building our own candy factory. We'll have everything you can think of: chocolates, gum drops, sour chews, sugar cubes, caramel confections—basically, you name it, we make it."

"Did I hear someone say 'candy'?" Buford's voice called out from off-screen as he and Baljeet entered stage left.

"You probably did," Phineas answered. "Once the factory's up and running, our candy production will begin without delay."

"Lucky I'm still wearing my costume from last Halloween!" Buford exclaimed.

"You were wearing your regular clothes for Halloween?" Baljeet asked.

"I was going as a bully, so I could scare little kids and take their bags of candy when they ran off, screaming."

"And you have not changed or washed them in all that time?"

"It preserves the authenticity of the costume for next year."

Baljeet took one big lateral step away from his companion.

Buford ignored the gesture. "Well, I think that's great. Candy, who doesn't love candy? I love candy. Candy's great."

"I would prefer something that is sugar-free," Baljeet interrupted, "it is healthier for you."

"Well then you can go eat some tree bark, for all I care!" Buford coldly stated. "I want it as unhealthy and fattening as I can get! Gimme the candy!"

Phineas held up his hands. "Whoa; we have to build the factory first, then we can work on the candy." That seemed to pacify Buford, and within minutes the group was constructing the framework.

While they worked, Baljeet timidly asked the bully, "you did not by chance scare a boy wearing a chicken costume last year and take his candy, did you?"

"Huh, scaring a kid in a chicken costume? I think I'd remember something like that," Buford said. "What's it to ya?"

"Nothing," Baljeet hastily replied.

* * *

_Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!_

With a mighty kick, the door flew open and Agent P cartwheeled into the room. His motion accidentally activated Doofenshmirtz's latest trap, and the secret agent was slapped onto a wall stuck inside a picture frame, flat between the glass and the wall behind.

"Wow," Doofenshmirtz commented as he approached from the shadows, "my new portrait looks so life-like and realistic; and by realistic of course, I mean—um, listic, I guess? Anywho, I bet you are dying to know, Perry the Platypus, about my latest invention. Behold, the Teleportaterinator!" On cue with its own ominous background music, a wicked looking device which rather resembled a mechanical backpack was shown. "As you might have guessed, it allows its wearer to instantly teleport to any place he desires!

"Now you might be wondering what horrendous backstory might have led me to create such a heinous contraption. It all started this morning, as I was getting out of the shower." Doofenshmirtz rippled back to his steamy bathroom, wrapped in a towel, humming to himself while combing his hair. Glancing absentmindedly at the brush he was using, he gasped as he pulled one hair off and inspected it. "It was my first gray hair!" He said, rippling back to the present. "I was distraught, Perry the Platypus, distraught! My initial reaction was to run in a big cartoonish circle, screaming; then when I was tired I sat on my bed and cried until my eyes were—wait, wait a minute, why am I telling you this?" Doofenshmirtz paused, bringing his hand to his chin in thought. "When I tell it that way, it kind of shows me in a bad light. Oh, you know what, forget that whole, screaming and crying thing. What I meant to say was, um, that I was—meditating! Because, uh, it's a good stress reliever, you know, and all that stress causes graying—okay, I'm just gonna fast-forward to the next part," Doofenshmirtz said, flipping his hands to gesture he was moving on.

"So as I sat there, I got to thinking, Perry the Platypus, about a lot of things. Well, one mainly. In all my years, what have I done with my life? Nothing! I'm still not ruler of the Tri-State Area; I've virtually wasted half my lifetime! I need to step up my game! Hence, the Teleportaterinator."

Agent P gave the evil scientist an unimpressed look.

"What? It's a good plan! Imagine all the evil I can create with the power to teleport anywhere I choose! I mean, granted, it won't return to me any of my wasted years not ruling the Tri-State Area; nor will it teleport me into the past where I can correct my mistakes and become ruler; it won't even make me younger, granting me youthful vigor and zeal I can use to accomplish my plans. But that isn't important, Perry the Platypus. You know, not everything has to have a perfectly logical connection to be a good plan! In a way, it actually kind of makes sense, if you don't think about it too much. Just don't think about it, Perry the Platypus, not even a little, then everything will make sense. That's the wisdom I offer you now that I'm, you know, old and graying; since apparently old people are wiser for whatever reason."

* * *

"I'm gettin' hungry, Dinnerbell; when's it gonna be ready?"

"Almost there," Phineas informed Buford. "Ferb's just putting the finishing touches on the flashy entrance. Oh, there you are, Ferb, I guess that means the factory should be ready."

In sync with Phineas' mention of his name, Ferb appeared and gave everybody the thumbs up. Once he had the group's attention, he produced a small remote button from his pocket and hit the button. A glass elevator emerged beside Ferb and opened its door with a _ding!_

"Awesome," Phineas said, "a glass elevator! Great idea, Ferb! Alright, everybody in, it'll take us to the candy factory."

With a cheer the kids clambered in and the elevator lifted off the ground and soared through the air. The kids watched through the glass floor as the lawn faded away, making it seem like they were being supported by nothing. "Wait a minute," Baljeet interjected, "this seems oddly familiar, flying in a glass elevator to a candy factory."

"Well, Ferb is British," Phineas explained, "so if it's okay with him, it's okay with me."

Momentarily they arrived on the rooftop of the factory and were swallowed by the main elevator shaft leading to the factory floor. With another _ding!_ the doors to the elevator opened, presenting a wide vista of colors. "Here we are," Phineas proudly announced as they exited, "our homage to classic, old-school chocolate factories."

The group was met by lush and beautiful scenery, but what at first glance appeared to be trees and flowers was in reality a surprising variety of candies.

"As you can see," the red-head continued, "we have all kinds of goodies here, from candy canes to candy apples, to candy berries and candy leaves, all the way to candy wristwatches and candy toothbrushes. And yes, we even incorporated Buford's idea and made candy tree bark," Phineas said, glancing at Baljeet.

"Actually, I was kidding about the tree bark thing," Buford said.

"Moving on," Phineas said, ignoring the interruption. "Over there is the mandatory chocolate river. And of course, everything you see is edible."

"Wow, it's so beautiful," Isabella commented, but she was quickly pushed out of the way as Buford bull-rushed past towards a nearby shrubbery made of licorice and began shoving the candy into his mouth. Those watching were slightly disgusted by his appetite (except Baljeet, who was familiar with it), but they quickly followed suit to find their own sweets-spots.

Meanwhile, Candace was lazily channel-surfing in the living room while listening to her MP3 while chatting with Stacy on her cell phone while slurping a soda while filing her nails. "Yeah, so I was like, oh no you di'n't, and she was all, yu-huh I di-id, and then I was like—hold on Stace, my busting senses are tingling; I think the boys are doing something bustable! I'll tell you what happened later, kay? Bye."

Candace quickly hung up and ran to the back yard, finding the boy's large factory towering over the tree. With eyes enlarging to the size of grapefruits, she gasped aloud. "Phineas and Ferb built a big factory with smokestacks in the backyard? Oh, they are so busted this time!" With that, she started dialing buttons on her cell.

"Hello?" Phineas answered.

"Phineas," Candace growled into her phone, "I'm just calling to let you know that I'm telling Mom you guys built a factory in the backyard as a fair warning."

"Okay, cool," Phineas replied. Candace hung up and began dialing another number, but suddenly stopped herself half-way.

"Wait a second," she thought vocally, "I just realized, the boy's invention always disappears _before_ Mom gets home, but _after_ I call her! Maybe, if I don't call her, it won't go away, therefore allowing Mom to see it, therefore they'll be busted!" She hit the redial button and as soon as Phineas answered, she said, "Nevermind," and hung up once more, chuckling crazily to herself.

"Now we wait," Candace said, watching the backyard through the slits in the blinds, "until the trap is ready to be sprung."

* * *

"And that's why I was originally going to call it the Teleportinator," Doofenshmirtz rambled, "but I figured that with it being powered by potato spuds and all, Telepor_tater_inator was much cleverer. You know, cause it has _tater _in it, which just means potato; and not 'po-tah-to,' I might add, speaking of that whole 'potayto-potahto' thing, cause nobody goes around calling them 'totters,' they're called taters! I mean, c'mon, if people really went around calling them totters, you'd think they were talking about, I don't know, small children, or something."

Agent P seized the moment to figure out a plan of escape. He squeezed to one side of the portrait frame, causing it to tilt because of his weight.

"What are you doing, Perry the Platypus? You're way off, it's not even close to being level. Here, lean a little more to the left. No, not my left, your left; you're gonna make it fall! Oh, here, let me help." Doofenshmirtz reached out to even it up and Agent P leaned with him, upsetting the balance of the picture frame and tilting it so badly it fell to the ground with a crash. Agent P broke free of the glass as it shattered all over the floor.

"You think you're so clever, escaping from your trap like that," Doofenshmirtz said, backing away, "but you forgot about this: my Teleportaterinator!" In one swift movement, the evil scientist shouldered his invention and strapped it across his waist. "Now you have no way of stopping me as I travel from point A to point B in the blink of an eye!"

Doofenshmirtz sneered at his nemesis in sheer satisfaction, knowing he had the upper hand. Agent P looked to his side and saw another Teleportaterinator sitting on a table literally three feet away. Instantly he snatched it and put it on like a jet pack.

"Whoops, guess I, uh, forgot I had built a second Teleportaterinator, a-and left it out on the desk over there—by mistake," Doofenshmirtz said in a bathetic tone. "But I did remember to hide the GPS tracker that displays the locations of my Teleportaterinators so that once I teleport away you won't be able to find me!"

With a roll of his eyes, Agent P teleported away for a moment, then instantly reappeared in the same spot holding the very tracker to which Doofenshmirtz was referring.

"Perry the Platypus, how did you know where my secret hiding spot was?" Agent P pointed across the room to where a large billboard sign displayed the words, 'GPS locator found here' and a big red arrow indicating its spot on the coffee table next to the TV remote. (Incidentally, there was another large sign immediately next to it which read, 'TV remote found here.')

"Oh," Doofenshmirtz replied. "Well, so much for that. I-I'm gonna jet before this becomes any more embarrassing for me." With that, Doofenshmirtz vanished into thin air. Agent P checked his locator to find that Doofenshmirtz had jumped all the way to the pyramids of Egypt, and so he activated his own Teleportaterinator to follow.

* * *

With every passing tick of the grandfather clock, Candace drew more anxious. She had barely been able to keep up her resolve to stick to her busting strategy of not calling her mother, but it was starting to get late and there was still no sign of her arriving home. Candace kept spinning her phone in her hands over and over again while watching the backyard, but the temptation to call Mom was growing ever stronger.

"I am not calling her!" Candace shouted at the empty room. She looked at her phone, it looked so eager to dial the numbers for her right there. "Forget it!" She said, flinging the phone across the room. It bounced off the sofa cushion and landed on the countertop, right in the center, where the sunlight peeked through the window to shine its light upon it in a compelling fashion. Candace tore her eyes away, but couldn't keep them for long. Inevitably she glanced back at the phone. The way the sunlight shone on it seemed to be calling her. "That's it, no more temptation!" She said, producing a hammer and approaching the phone. As she lifted her hand to strike, the phone range, causing Candace to jump slightly before tentatively answering it.

"Hello?" She said cautiously. If it was her mother, she was prepared to snap the phone shut at a moment's notice.

"Hey Candace, it's Jerem—." Candace reacted too quickly, hanging up on her boyfriend.

"Wait no, I didn't mean to!" She quickly tried calling him back, but the line was busy.

"Grrr! Mom, you better get home quick, or I'm gonna lose it!"

Meanwhile, back at the candy factory, the kids were having a blast eating candy, which gave them a sugar rush, which energized them to run around all hyper and invigorated, which made them hungrier, which caused them to eat more candy, and so on. In their elevated state, they couldn't help but release their happiness in song form, allowing their joy to take flight with a catchy tune.

_There is nothing we love more than  
Ca-ya-ya-ya-ya-andy!  
The way it melts inside your mouth is  
Oh, so fine and dandy!  
Those veges, grains, and other stuffs  
Can sometimes be quite bland-y,  
But for a treat, you'll find it's sweet  
to eat your favorite candy._

_So go ahead and try it,  
Before you grow too old;  
Because when you're just a kid,  
Candy's worth more to you than gold._

Once the song ended, Isabella waited for the others to disperse while hoping for a chance to catch Phineas alone. Surprisingly, it came right away when Ferb chased a few of the lingering notes from the chorus and ate them. Isabella wasted no time in taking her chance.

"Hey Phineas," she said, hiding something behind her back.

"Oh, hi Isabella! So, how's the candy?"

"It's all really good. Speaking of candy, do you want to share this candy heart with me?" At that, she revealed what she was holding; a candy heart the size of a dinner plate.

"Sure."

Isabella beamed and broke it down the middle when suddenly Baljeet cried out from somewhere.

"Help!" Came the voice, which was exceptionally high-pitched due to stress. "Help, Buford fell into the chocolate river!"

Phineas turned to see Buford splashing about violently as he sank deeper into the sugary slosh. "I'm coming!" Phineas said as he hurried in their direction, leaving Isabella holding the broken heart.

"Okay, I guess I'll go help too," she sighed, dropping the candy and rushing over to join the others.

"Just hang on!" Phineas called from the bank, "Ferb's grabbing the gumdrop life preserver!"

"You guys have a gumdrop life preserver?" Baljeet asked.

"Safety first," Phineas pointed out. As he said it, Ferb cast out the ring-shaped float and Buford was able to grab on, but not without taking a big bully-sized bite out of it.

"Yep, it's made out of gummy, alright," he commented as Ferb and the rest of them pulled him ashore.

Crisis averted, Phineas had a thought and shared it with the others. "You know," he began, "candy sure is great and everything, but it can be dangerous to have too much. What do you guys think?"

"Maybe you're right," Isabella agreed.

"Hey," Buford said, "it would have been death by chocolate; it's not such a bad way to go."

"Either way, I am starting to get sick from too much sugar," Baljeet motioned with a hand on his stomach.

"Me too," Buford agreed.

"Yeah, let's consider this day seized, and go find someplace to lie down" Phineas said clutching his stomach as well, and he along with the others trudged toward the exit as they all started to feel the sluggish effects of candy sickness setting in.

* * *

While battle with his nemesis ensued, Agent P had followed Doofenshmirtz to all kinds of exotic, mostly famous, places such as the Eiffel Tower in Paris, the Great Wall of China, Hoover Dam, and a quick stop at Larry's Burgers and Fries Diner for lunch. Their combat went pretty much like this: they'd teleport somewhere, throw a few punches at the other, and teleport somewhere else. And so it went for a whole montage of silly, cartoonistic violence.

Finally, they ended up in the countryside somewhere when Doofenshmirtz held up his hands in a gesture of truce. "Perry the Platypus, I am so tired; why don't we take a breather. C'mon, whaddaya say?"

Agent P agreed despite not being all that tired; he was a secret agent, after all.

Doofenshmirtz took a seat and inspected his Teleportaterinator. "And not too soon, Perry the Platypus. My Teleportaterinator is almost out of juice, it wouldn't be good if we used it all and then ended up being stuck who knows where. Speaking of which, where are we, anyways?"

Agent P held up the GPS unit to show Doofenshmirtz they were in rural Idaho. "Idaho, where the heck is Idaho? Is that even in America? Because I don't remember Idaho being one of the states in America, Perry the Platypus. We need to find somewhere that has potatoes, since that's what my Teleportaterinator is powered by, and I don't think we're going to find any in a place called _Id-a-ho_." He waggled his head with each syllable to emphasize his doubt.

Agent P couldn't help but roll his eyes as he pointed back over his shoulder at a heap of fresh potatoes piled up to the size of a school bus.

"Oh!" Doofenshmirtz said in surprise. "Would you look at that, a whole pile of potatoes! How did I miss that? I mean, it was right behind you, like literally! Right behind you! And I was looking straight at you!" Agent P rolled his eyes again as the evil scientist climbed to the top of the pile with a gleeful look on his face.

"Guess what, Perry the Platypus? With this pile alone I could power my Teleportaterinator for like a whole year! We should use the Teleportaterinator to take them all back to my lab, Perry the Platypus. How does that s—oof!" Doofenshmirtz was cut off by a punch to the face. Rubbing his chin, he said, "I forgot, you are a good guy and good guys don't steal, do they."

* * *

Candace was still watching the backyard dutifully. Her eyes were bloodshot, her hair was standing up in places, but the boy's creation was still there when finally her ears perceived the sound of her salvation: the garage door cranking open. Mom was home!

"It worked! It worked!" Candace breathed, wringing her hands before rushing off to grab her mother.

"Wow, Candace," Linda said upon opening the door to the house and finding her teenage daughter waiting. "I'm very proud of you, not a single call all day about the boys—"

"Yeah, yeah, that's great Mom, but you gotta come see what the boys have done in the backyard! They've built this huge factory with smokestacks and everything!"

"Oh," Linda sighed. "And here I almost thought we would finally go a whole day without all this nonsense."

* * *

"Even so, Perry the Platypus," Doofenshmirtz taunted, "you will never be able to stop me from using all these potatoes for my own nefarious purposes! Ahahahaha!" With that, Doofenshmirtz adjusted the settings on his machine to bring along anything he was touching, and with a _pop!_ he vanished, taking the pile with him.

Agent P teleported himself back to Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. and just as he predicted, found that that was where the evil scientist had chosen to bring the pile with the last of his Inator's power. Agent P sprang into action, punching Doofenshmirtz and ripping the Inator from his back simultaneously. Agent P tossed the machine over the side of the building allowing gravity to destroy the machine for him, then vanished once more, mission completed.

"Curse you, Perry the Platypus!" Doofenshmirtz called out after he had gone.

* * *

Perry didn't want his owners to see the Inator he was wearing, so he placed it beside the boy's latest creation and turned it on, assuming it would teleport away and leave no evidence behind.

"Oh, there you are, Perry," Phineas said as the kids all laid back to rest in the shade of the tree. A moment later, the whole factory disappeared in the blink of an eye.

* * *

A potato farmer and his daughter stood wondering what had happened to their pile of potatoes.

"You gotta believe me," the daughter said, "there was a pharmacist and a beaver fighting on the potato pile, and then just like that, they all vanished into thin air!"

"Amanda, you need to stop making up these farfetched stories! You aren't a kid anymore!"

"But Dad, I'm telling the truth!"

"Butts are for chairs, which is where you'll be sitting when we get home—in time out!"

* * *

"But Mom, I'm telling the truth!" Candace said as she and her mother looked at the empty back yard. "It was right there a second ago!"

"Butts are for chairs, Candace," Linda sarcastically replied. She opened the door and called out to the kids who were still laying in the shade. "Hey you guys, do you want to come help me make that candy now?"

"No thanks, Mom," Phineas called back. "I think we've had enough candy for today."

"Okay, kids. Have fun with Perry."

* * *

"You know what?" The potato farmer's daughter said. "I hated all those stupid potatoes anyways! When I'm eighteen, I am _sooo_ moving out of this state!"

"But then who's going take care of the farm after I retire?" Her father asked. Just then, a huge factory materialized in front of the two arguers, right where the pile used to sit.

Although a look of pure shock registered on the daughter's face, she managed to utter, "Okay, I'll stay and tend the farm."

* * *

"How was your day, Perry?" Phineas asked.

"Grdrdrdrdrdrdrdrd," the platypus chattered happily.

"Well, I'm glad. Sorry we forgot to save you some candy, boy. Hey, how come you smell like potatoes?"

After a pause, Ferb said, "You know, while Idaho is often referred to as the potato state, its official nickname is actually the Gem State."

"Huh," Phineas sounded, "learn something new everyday."


	3. Episode 3

**All names you do not recognize from the show are made up. Any similarities between them and real life are purely coincidental.**

**This chapter only: Rated K-plus for some bathroom humor.**

* * *

Episode 3: To Baseball and Beyond

"It just isn't fair, Stacy," Candace told her best friend on her personal cell. "The longer it takes for me to bust my brothers, the less time I have left to get around to enjoying my summer."

"You know," Stacy said from the other end of the line, "if you just gave up busting, you'd be able to enjoy the rest of summer just fine. What you need is something to distract you from focusing on your brothers, something that will let you get away and actually do something for once."

"You're right, Stacy. But what could possibly be so important that it will distract me from busting my brothers?"

"Well, I can think of one—."

"Hold that thought," interrupted Candace, "I'm getting a call from Jeremy!"

"Yep, that's exactly what I had in mind," Stacy said to herself after being placed on hold.

"Candace Flynn speaking," the impetuous teenager announced.

"Hey, Candace, Jeremy here. So, I got some tickets to the Danville Dragons professional baseball game today, and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me."

Candace had to cover the mouthpiece to hide her girly giggle. "You mean, like a distraction?"

"Well, sure; I was gonna use the word 'date', but, I guess 'distraction' works too."

"Right, date! Er, that's what I meant to say."

"Cool. I'll pick you up soon."

"Kay, see ya!" Candace ended the conversation with a dreamy stare into space before returning enthusiastically to her previous call. "Oh my gosh, Stacy, guess what just happened!"

"Jeremy asked you out on a date, which provides the perfect distraction from busting your brothers," Stacy predicted in a monotone voice.

"Jeremy asked me out on a date, which provides the perfect—oh, wait, you just said that."

"Duh. Saw it coming a mile away."

"Well, it works out perfectly. Say, why don't you come along?"

"I can't," Stacy replied, "I've got an appointment with my math tutor. My Mom says if my grade doesn't improve next semester, I can't go shopping for a whole week."

Candace gasped. "A whole week!? Can parents do that? I mean, that's pretty much borderline cruel and unusual punishment; aren't there laws against that?"

"That's exactly what I said, and apparently, there's not."

"Tough eggs," Candace sympathized. "Well, I'll call you back later, Stace, I gotta start getting ready."

* * *

Candace was surrounded by all kinds of wonderful sights and sounds as she and Jeremy found their seats. The air was replete with the smell of popcorn and hot dogs, and cheers erupted from the stands as the players took to the field to begin warming up for the game. The bright sun promised perfect weather and metaphorically reflected the inner tranquility Candace was feeling now that she was away from her brothers.

"I am, like, having so much fun right now!" She couldn't help exclaiming. Then she heard an all too familiar voice and immediately knew she was about to be made a liar.

"Prepare yourselves, children. We are about to experience the magical wonders of America's favorite pastime: the time-honored sport of baseball!" Lawrence Fletcher said as he led a group of children to the seats next to Candace and Jeremy. "I've been told that you Yanks take baseball as seriously as we English prize our football," he continued to tell anyone who would listen.

"Hi Candace!" Phineas cheerfully ejaculated as he sat down beside his sister.

Candace groaned. "What are you guys doing here?" She asked, slumped over and hiding her face in her hands.

"Well, Candace," Lawrence explained in his English accent, "your mother was out late last night raffling tickets for next week's cake auction for the bridge club. So I decided to give her a quiet house to relax in by taking the lot out to the ball game. Take me out to the ball game," he began to sing. "Take me out to the crowds!"

"We got to bring our friends along, too," Phineas looked down the row to count. "We've got Ferb and I, Perry, Isabella, Irving—"

"I brought pistachios!" Irving commented.

"—Buford," continued Phineas, "and, hey, where's Baljeet?"

Buford answered. "He couldn't make it, said he had a tutoring session or something."

The scene changes to Stacy's house, where Baljeet is attempting to explain the formula he was using.

"So you see, it is just a simple matter of remembering to put a plus-or-minus in front when you take the square root of both sides or else your final answer will be off. Did you get it that time?"

"Um, I kind of zoned out at the part where you, you know, did that stuff," Stacy replied.

"Oh, you mean when I multiplied by the conjugate?"

"I don't know, what's a conjugate?"

The scene shifts back to the game. "Well that's too bad," Phineas said, still reminiscing about Baljeet. "He's going to miss out on all the action. If we're lucky, we'll get to see Manny 'The Smasher' McCallister hit a home run. He's hit three in his last five games."

"But don't count out Donny Walters, the visiting team pitcher," Jeremy inserted. "They say he pitches a curveball so well the ball curves like a rainbow."

"Ah, you have a good point, Jeremy," replied Phineas. "But remember, Walters has a history of struggling at away games, so he may not be at peak form right now."

"While that is true," Jeremy countered, "he also outperforms his regular projections every sixteenth-and-a-half inning, so I think it's very likely that we won't see as much of that side of him today."

Phineas smiled. "Well, Jeremy, it seems you know a thing or two about the game. I look forward to a day's worth of back-and-forth baseball banter with you."

Candace groaned again, looking increasingly uncomfortable as the two talked across her. "Grr, that's it! I have to go to the bathroom!" She grumbled, standing to leave. "I hate it how boys exclude girls when they talk about sports like that," she mentioned as she passed the group on her way through the stands.

"I think it's dreamy," Isabella sighed, resting the side of her head against her interlocked fingers as she stared sideways at Phineas.

"Oh, brother." Candace rolled her eyes.

"Hey," Phineas said, looking up, "where's Perry?"

* * *

Perry peeked out from behind a garbage bin somewhere near the stands his owners were in to find his target: Section 9 ¾. Slipping behind the bin momentarily, he emerged from the other side disguised in the garb of a hot dog vendor. He tried to act natural as he pushed his cart past groups of avid baseball fans to stand in front of the platform. With a final glance over his shoulder and a thematic music box tune tinkling in the background, he charged at the space beneath the sign with his cart and zipped through the digital wall into his lair. He silenced the music box that turned out to have originated from a pocket inside his disguised outfit, discarded the disguise, and replaced it with his fedora to sit in his large red chair.

"Good morning, Agent P," Monogram briefed from the television set above. "It seems Dr. Doofenshmirtz is once again up to no good. We were able to hack into his surveillance and found this." The Major's face was replaced by a black and white video of Doofenshmirtz lying down on the ground while quietly playing marbles. All appeared to be calm in the feed.

"Uh, Carl, are you sure this is the right tape? It just shows him playing marbles; I don't think that's all that evil. A little old fashioned, perhaps."

"I'm sorry, sir, I know I told you we hacked into his system, but I didn't say we actually found anything interesting."

"Well, then, what good are you?" Monogram's stern face appeared back on the screen. "Sorry, Agent P, but I guess we don't actually know what Doof's up to. Just get over there before he loses his marbles, both literally and figuratively."

Agent P saluted his superior officer and blasted off.

* * *

"And the home of the braaaaave!" The crowd applauded and cheered as the last note hovered a tad heavy over the stadium.

"I must say," Lawrence announced as he and the children sat down in their seats, "it's not as moving as a rendition of 'God Save the King', but you know, that national anthem has grown on me."

"Sometimes it embarrasses me to be with your dad," Buford whispered to Phineas and Ferb.

"He means well," Phineas responded to the bully.

The group settled in as they listened to the announcers' voices booming over the loudspeakers. "And we've got a marvelous match-up today as the Danville Dragons host the Sunbridge Scallywags in a titanic tussle of pretentious proportions, accompanied alongside an assuaged amount of alliteration."

The announcers switched as a second voice took over. "You can really feel the excitement in the air today, Bob. Just listen to that crowd!"

"Go Dragons!" Some yelled.

"Go Scallywags!" Others screamed.

Amidst the noise, one random fan interjected, "I'm actually a Red Sox fan, so I'm kind of neutral about who wins this game."

"And there's the Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated blimp," pointed out the announcer. "Yes, baseball fans, it's a perfect day at a balmy 82° Fahrenheit and a barometric pressure of…" His voice faded into the distance as a platypus-sized hover car zoomed past overhead in the direction of the dirigible. On cue, a male quartet of unknown origin or location emitted the familiar jingle: _Doofenshmirtz Evil Dirigible!_

"Now, what does this switch do again?" Doofenshmirtz asked nobody in particular as he inspected a lone square switch located about shoulder height on the wall next to him. Compulsively, he flipped it, and a trap door alongside him rotated inside-out accompanied by his nemesis.

"Perry the Platypus!" Doofenshmirtz shrieked at the sudden arrival of the action-pose-struck mammal.

"I told you to stop putting random switches all over the place," Vanessa drawled from the corner where she sat looking over a magazine. "And not just because they don't fit with the interior design."

Doofenshmirtz chuckled sheepishly as he scratched the back of his head. "Well, I'm sure there was a perfectly good reason for it at the time."

"Whatever."

Doofenshmirtz looked at his daughter. "Can you just trap Perry the Platypus for me already?"

With a heavy sigh and heavier eye-roll, Vanessa clicked the large red button on a single remote. A used pizza box launched out of somewhere and swallowed the secret agent whole, leaving one little flap open on top out of which he could stick his fedora-capped head.

"How do you like your trap, Perry the Platypus?" The evil scientist asked rhetorically. "Is it comfy? Cozy? A little tight? Good! It's one of my better ideas, I'll admit. I call it the Take-Out-The-Trash-Inator, or 'TOTTI' for short. See, it's an acronym, the conventions of which are only slightly more overused than alliterations. It lets me recycle some of my garbage as traps; I think next time I trap you, it'll be in a Mr. Slushy Burger take-out bag."

* * *

"Alright, what'd I miss?" Candace asked as she took her seat.

"We haven't seen too much happen yet," Phineas said. "The score is still tied up at zero-zero."

"Still? Man, I didn't know baseball could be so boring."

"Oh, give it a chance, Candace," Lawrence said. "Most Americans think football is boring yet it captivates the rest of the world!"

"Dad, soccer is lame," Candace dryly remarked.

"You know," Phineas thought aloud, "Candace has a point. From a spectator's perspective, sometimes a slow game can be a little tedious to sit through. Hey Ferb, I know what we're going to do—!"

"Oh no! You do not know what you're going to do today!" Candace interrupted. "We're at an outdoor facility, surrounded by the public; there's no way you can start building your crazy contraptions right here in the stadium!"

"Well, sure we can," Phineas chimed optimistically. "Granted, we don't have a lot of space, but I'm positive we'll be able to think of something, and nothing can stop the power of positive thinking."

"Ooh, I'm watching you!" Candace spat.

"Ah, great! Safety first!" Phineas said, misconstruing what she had meant, as he and Ferb stood to get to work.

"Grr!" Candace couldn't suppress her own growl of disapproval. _So much for distracting myself from all this,_ she thought to herself. _I wish Stacy were here._

* * *

Stacy wished she could be anywhere but here. "So, why do they call them 'logs'?"

Baljeet patiently explained. "Logarithms simply are a means we use to calculate exponents to numbers you are working with."

"I prefer using logs to make a fire."

Baljeet gasped. "No! You cannot burn math homework, it would be unthinkable! Oh, wait, you meant the other kind of logs, hehe," he realized with a short laugh.

There was a _bang!_ as Ginger barged through the front door and slammed it behind her. "Stacy, have you seen my tennis shoes?" She hollered, not realizing who was in the living room until she came in through the entryway and nearly jumped in surprise.

"Baljeet!" Ginger squeaked, eyes lighting up like flashbulbs. "I didn't know you were here."

"Were you looking for your pink ones or your orange ones?" Stacy asked her sibling.

"Orange whats?" Ginger responded with a glazed look.

"Shoes?"

That snapped her out of it. "Oh, right, um, it's actually not that important right now," she said, saddling down between the two (and slightly closer to Baljeet). "What are you guys doing?" She said, picking up a piece of scratch paper to dissect its inscriptions.

"We are engaging in a rudimentary overview of the basics of calculus," Baljeet stated.

"He's helping me improve my math grade," summarized Stacy.

"Oh, I need some help with my math, too!" Ginger exclaimed.

"What?" doubted Stacy. "Ginger, you're not even in a high school math class!"

Ginger waved her sister off. "So, Baljeet, tell me about, um, these things." She indicated by pointing at the paper in front of her.

"Well," the small boy nervously began, "we were just talking about logarithms, and how they are the inverses of exponential functions."

"Inverses of exponential functions," repeated Ginger. "Wow, that is _really_ interesting."

Stacy ducked out of sight to make a soft gagging noise while pretending to depress her uvula with her forefinger.

* * *

"Now, Perry the Platypus, I'm sure you are wondering what evil scheme I am hatching today." Doofenshmirtz initiated his lengthy monolog. "You see, it all began two days ago, at the supermarket." The edges of the screen rippled out to show Doofenshmirtz waiting in a check-out line. "I was standing in line to check out and the lady in front on me was taking _for-e-ver!_ No joke, she must have had like six hundred cans of Dr. Soda piled onto her cart, it looked like one of the pyramids or something. I kept on waiting, and it kept going, on and on. I would have, you know, switched to a shorter line, or something, but there were other shoppers behind me, and I wasn't about to give them the satisfaction of somebody ducking out ahead of them.

"As I waited, I suddenly began to feel a little queasy. It was then that I realized my grave mistake." Still in his flashback, Doofenshmirtz began perspiring and clutching his stomach, looking rather sick. "I had stood waiting for too long. My lunch of beans, broccoli, and cheese suddenly flared back at me with, shall I say, disastrous results." Doofensmirtz hunched over his cart in shame as the customers behind him began plugging their noses and shooting him dirty looks. It was too painful, and his mind refocused back on the present.

"It was the most embarrassing moment of my life. Except for the time I had to wear dresses to school. And the time I made that toilet video in high school. And the time those wales took my girl, and—okay, you know what? I guess there's a lot of ignominiously humiliating moments in my life, Perry the Platypus; but I'm telling you, this one ranks up there."

"Oh, I'm sure it 'rank', all right," Vanessa observed, causing Agent P to smirk.

"Ha ha, very funny Vanessa," Doofenshmirtz said. "But we'll see who has the last laugh. Behold, the Gassy-inator!" Doofenshmirtz threw both arms dramatically in the direction of a large stand rising out of the floor, a futuristic looking rifle resting on top. "I don't think I need to clarify what it can do. I plan to unleash its might on an unsuspecting Tri-State Area beginning with the most densely populated sector; which according to this computer screen is right below us at the Danville Dragons baseball game!" Doofenshmirtz laughed maniacally as he took the device and pointed it out the window, aiming for the crowds beneath.

"Boys will be boys," Vanessa sighed, casting aside her magazine and popping her headphones into her ears.

* * *

"Boys and their sports," Candace muttered to herself as she watched the crowd around her rise to their feet in protest at the umpire's call.

"Ferb, I think it's time we test out our first invention," Phineas said. Ferb withdrew a small camping chair from his pocket (how it fit there in the first place remains a mystery) and fastened it to the bench upon which he and Phineas sat.

"That's your lame invention?" Candace asked smugly. "Hah, I shouldn't have even worried."

"Wait for it," Phineas told his sister. Ferb pulled a drawstring and the chair instantly unfolded into a big, fluffy recliner large enough to be comfortable in yet small enough it squeezed into place. Phineas made one for his seat, too, and extracted a beverage from the armrest for a tasty slurp. Checking back on the action, Phineas realized he couldn't see over the row in front of him. "Uh, Ferb? Forget something?"

Ferb pulled a lever to his side and their new seats jumped twenty feet into the air, supported by a thin metal beam. Candace's jaw dropped.

"That's better," Phineas admitted. "Oh, hey, looks like it's the end of the fourth inning! That means we're up!" Ferb brought them back down and they stood to head off again.

"And where are you going this time?" Candace inquired, but it was too late; they were already gone. Moments later she spotted them down on the field.

"And now, ladies and gentlemen," one of the announcers boomed, "for the break, we'll be entertained by Phineas Flynn and Ferb Fletcher. Let's see if they can break the record for the world's fastest pitch!"

"Yeah, right," Candace said. "There is no way they can break the world record. In fact," at that, she pulled out her cell phone and dialed the same number she always did.

A groggy voice answered. "Candace, I'm in the middle of a nap. What do you need?"

"Mom, turn on the TV right now, Phineas and Ferb are up to something!"

"The boys are on TV? You're right, that is exciting." Candace heard some movement on the other end of the line, and allowed herself to watch what was happening on the pitch.

The umpire handed a baseball to Phineas, who in turn handed it to Ferb, who promptly gave it to a robot standing next to him.

"We built a robot that uses a state-of-the-art hydraulics chamber to pump extra torque," Phineas told the crowd through a microphone. "Let's see how it does."

The umpire pulled out a radar gun and stepped aside for the robot to assume the pitcher's mound. With a ridiculously unrealistic wind-up wherein the robot rotated its arm like a wind mill, the robot jerked forward, jettisoning the ball into the catcher's mitt at lightning speed.

"I read 145 miles per hour," the ump said. "That's a world record! Congratulations!"

And the crowd went wild. Phineas and Ferb waved as they made their way back to their seats.

"Mom, did you see that?" Candace asked. "Phineas and Ferb used a robot to break the world record fastest pitch! Hello? MOM!"

"I can't hear you, honey, there's too much background noise," Candace heard her mother say. "Let's see, here's the game; oh, it's on commercial, Candace. I must have missed it."

Candace snapped her phone shut and threw her head back. "Curse you, undesired television advertisements!" She screamed at the sky with a raised fist for dramatic effect.

"Just listen to those screaming fans!" The announcers spoke as Candace's outburst was replayed on the Big Screen Jumbotron.

* * *

"Time to test out my Gassy-inator," Doofenshmirtz said as he looked down the scope mounted atop the barrel of his Inator. "Yes, that red-headed teenage girl on the big screen down there looks like the perfect target. See, she already looks like she's having a bad day, and I know just the way to make it worse!"

Agent P was horrified to see that Doofenshmirtz had the Inator aimed straight for Candace. He stretched out his beak to try undoing the flap that held the box shut.

"And fire!" Doofenshmirtz shouted. A beam launched out from the Inator. Agent P craned his neck as far as it would go, finally straining just enough to release the fold and springing out of his trap to slam Doofenshmirtz with his tail.

* * *

Jeremy wasn't sure if he heard what he thought he just heard. Phineas, who had just sat down on her other side, spoke what Jeremy was thinking. "Candace, was that you?"

Candace tried her best to stop her face from turning red. "Oh, come on, Phineas. Grow up." She kept her face straight despite the snickers coming from either side of her.

Of course, Buford was not so inclined to keep quiet about it. "Hey, everybody, guess what! Candace farted!"

Isabella gasped. "Buford, that was rude!"

The bully ignored her and begun to chant. "Candace farted! Candace farted!"

"It's not a fart; it's just a natural body function!" Candace replied back.

"Candace farted! Candace farted!"

"Don't call it that! It's just a body function!"

"That's what you get for breaking the 'fart-th' wall, the point where it no longer breaks social conventions to discuss flatulence," he said. Thankfully, the obscenities ended there as Buford snickered to himself, having no intentions for allowing a song to start and distract him from the game.

* * *

Doofenshmirtz was unable to appreciate the success of his machine as he was preoccupied wrestling with the platypus. "Unhand me!" The evil scientist croaked as he reached for a switch on his wall that looked like a regular light switch; but once hit, a boot loaded to a spring jumped from behind a trap door in the wall, knocking Agent P flying over Doofenshmirtz's shoulders.

"See, Vanessa? I told you I needed all these switches!" Thinking quickly, Doofenshmirtz noticed a lever-type switch sitting nearby on his counter. He flipped it and immediately a cannon emerged from the tabletop, firing fruit upon his nemesis. Agent P easily dodged, but was hit in the face by a lucky shot with a rotten tomato.

"That's right, Perry the Platypus! Fear the awesome power of my mighty fruit-wielding—urf!" With a splat, a tomato to the face cut Doofenshmirtz off mid-sentence. "I know always cutting me off is your thing, but where did you get that from?" He asked.

Agent P shrugged.

"Okay, if that's how you want it, then prepare yourself!" Doofenshmirtz turned his Inator on Agent P and began firing left and right, taking no care whatsoever to aim where he was shooting. Not surprisingly, none of them hit their target; a number of them instead escaped out the window.

A beam struck a balloon that a kid was holding, expanding the balloon to several times its original size.

A beam struck a pair of ankles showing under the stall in a bathroom; one foot was visibly tapping to the background music of a catchy tune possessing meaningless lyrics until the sound was drowned out by a toilet flushing.

A beam struck a cow chewing its cud in a pasture nearby. The cow expressed not a hint of surprise that there was anything out of the ordinary.

"Why can't I hit anything decent?" Doofenshmirtz asked aloud.

Agent P tapped his nemesis on the shoulder. "What now?" The evil scientist asked, turning from the window. Agent P took a lemon he'd acquired from the cannon's ammunition stocks and shoved it tightly down the barrel of the Inator, rendering it incapable of firing further.

A final wayward beam found a mirror standing in a landfill and was reflected back at the blimp. The blimp began to expand as it bloated with excess amounts of gas. Agent P sprinted for a nearby window and was about to jump out when Vanessa stopped him. "Wait Perry, can you drop me off at my Mom's really fast on your way out?"

Agent P looked back for a moment before nodding.

"Thanks." The secret agent took her by the hand and leapt out the window, falling briefly and then unleashing a two-person glider with his face occupying the logo on the back.

The blimp continued to expand to the breaking point, finally bursting and shooting through the air like a shooting star due to the immense pressure of gas escaping through the rupture. Despite the rapidly growing distance between the two, Agent P distinctly heard Doofenshmirtz call before being ultimately whisked away, "Curse you, Perry the Platypus!"

* * *

"Looks like the Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated blimp has high-tailed it out of here, and who can blame it?" The announcer cried with a mournful voice. "That final run for the visiting team looks like it has devastated the morale of the Dragons. I'm sad to say we may be having a sad ending to this story after all, folks."

"Right you are, Bob," the other announcer took over. "Any hope for the home team has all but dried up like a whale who found itself beached in Death Valley. As the classic song goes, _'Root! Root! Root for the home team! If they don't win, it's a copyright infringement to quote all the lyrics in this song!'_ Clearly, unless someone here is capable of the cheer of the century, this ball game is in the books."

"I don't believe it!" Phineas said discontentedly. "If they don't win, it's a shame!"

"Yes, I am sorry, Phineas," Lawrence consoled, "but you can't win them all, son."

"No, no you can't," replied Phineas. "But sometimes, all you need is the right spark. Ferb?"

Ferb gave his step-brother the thumbs up before pulling a remote out of his pocket and pressing its sole red button. Suddenly, giant lights appeared out beyond the outfield fences, rising dramatically to overlook the stadium. In a flash the electronic displays created a magnificently designed three-dimensional projection of a dragon. The creature roared loudly before belching a great fireball into the sky. From the flames the words _Go Dragons!_ were born, and the stadium erupted in cheers for the host team.

"It's beautiful!" One of the announcers commented. "I've never seen anything like that before!"

Candace already had her phone to her ear. "C'mon, Mom! Pick up! Pick up!"

* * *

Linda stirred and peeked out from under her velvet black sleeping mask. With a grunt of impatience, she hit the silent button and rolled over.

* * *

Candace realized her mother wasn't picking up. "I can still use the camera to get my evidence!" She said aloud, trying to get a clear shot through all the cheering fans that were waving and hollering in front of her.

"I think that should do the trick," Phineas told his step-brother, unaware of his sister's efforts to capture their work photographically. Ferb hit the button again, and the projection vanished.

"Oh, blast!" Candace said, returning both her rump to her seat and her attention to the game.

"It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and Mighty Manny 'the Smasher' McCallister is up to bat with two outs! Folks, you can't write drama better than this!" The announcers explained.

The stadium held its breath as the pitcher wound up and released the ball. Manny McCallister swung almost in slow motion. The ball veered, ever so slightly. But it was too late; with a _crack,_ the bat connected, sending the ball sky-high.

"It's up! It's flying! Deeper, deeper, over left field! Oh, it's gonna be close! I can't watch, the suspense is killing me!" The announcer cried, though nobody was listening.

"And it's, it's, it's gone! A home run! And that brings the final score to your Danville Dragons, four, the Sunbridge Scallywags, three!" The stands roared in jubilation as fireworks cracked against the sky.

_Take me out to the ball game!_ The speakers roared the classic song. _Take me out to the crowds! Buy me some peanuts and—._

At that moment, the people realized that that song couldn't be played on a TV show due to copyright restrictions. In the awkward silence that followed, Phineas looked at the gang, and said, "guys, you know what to do."

The music started again, this time with something that was actually owned by the show and therefore allowed to be aired.

_Go Dragons! Go, go Dragons!  
Go Dragons! Go, go Dragons!  
Go Dragons! Go, go Dragons!  
Go Dragons, go!_

* * *

"Oh, so you use the quadratic formula to solve for 'x', but you still need to test each answer against the intervals in the graph to find the exact solution," Ginger declared.

"Yes," Baljeet assured, "that is correct!"

"You mean you actually get this?" Stacy asked her sister.

"It's pretty simple," Ginger replied.

Stacy slapped herself in her forehead. "That's it, we're done. Lesson over," she said, standing to brush Bajeet out the door.

"But we are scheduled to continue for another twenty minutes," he tried to explain before getting the door shut in his face.

"Stacy!" Ginger complained. "What was that for?"

"Don't you have some troop activity you're supposed to be at?"

Ginger gasped. "Tennis practice!" She remembered, quickly running upstairs to grab her things.

Stacy crossed her arms in disapproval. Assured she was alone, she whispered, "I think I'm gonna go ask Perry to use that mind-wiping device on me now, so I can forget everything I just saw."

* * *

**Okay, so I just wanted to apologize if I offended anyone with those bathroom jokes, but after Candace's you-know-what in Return Policy I just had to get those out of me. I hope you all are enjoying these. I have several more planned so please wait patiently and I will post them when I can. I am a bit of a perfectionist so I take a long time to write, but it's worth it to make sure you guys are reading only my best work! As always, thanks for reading!**


	4. Doof's Daily Dirt!

The Doof's Review!

_"It's time for Doofenshmirtz's Daily Dirt!_

"Welcome back, evil subscribers, to Doofenshmirtz's Daily Dirt! The only show where I, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, conduct a daily podcast or video or whatever you want to call it, even though they aren't technically daily, or even weekly for that matter; they're more hit-and-miss depending on my evil funds; and on this show, this podcast, as I believe they are called, or maybe it's a webcast? I can't really remember; let's just call it a 'cast' for short, like, uh, like, maybe it was broken and we had to put a cast on it, therefore, just cast; and this cast is where I show you my dirt on a daily basis, and it's mine, therefore, Doof's Daily Dirt. Or sometimes gravel, or cement, because I live in the city and sometimes dirt can be hard to come by. Of course it's all metaphorical, you see, so, I'm not actually going to bring you a jar of dirt and display it for the camera; it's metaphorical dirt, which is actually still surprisingly hard to come by, even for an evil genius, like myself.

"Now today, as you can probably see from the fact that you are reading my words rather than watching my video on your computer screen, I have decided to post everything I say in writing to assist those subscribers who may have some sort of hearing handicap, allowing them to still be able to follow everything I say on my show. I bought one of those programs where you just talk into the microphone and it types everything you say for you, and I have to admit, it comes in handy. Of course, it also lets me read everything as I say it, and wait! I just realized, my first paragraph has a really long run-on sentence, with comma after comma; it goes on for like, four lines! I guess I do have a tendency to ramble, don't I…

"Anyways, I have found a new trend on the internet that I think is really gonna catch on. It's a little something called Fan-fiction. Now you've probably never heard about it, so allow me to explain what exactly "Fan-fiction" is in laymen's terms. Fan-fiction is where all the nerds go when the main characters from a "canon," or the universe in which a certain story is set, don't fall in love the way they wanted. So they change the story in order to make sure that so-and-so ends up together with his or her best friend, or their best friend's cousin, or whatever; and then they go and claim they don't own the right to do so, as if that somehow makes it legal; and distribute it on the internet to their like-minded peer group of nerds who also "ship," or support, that pairing. So, suppose for instance, that I wanted to write a story where Ducky Momo falls in love with Howard the Duck; I know, gross, right? They have a Fan-fiction for that!

"Now I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that there are other genres on Fan-fiction besides romance, but c'mon? Who reads those?

"So the other day, when I first found the website where you can post your Fan-fiction stories, I was perusing a few stories at my leisure and found one called _Kick It Up A Knotch!_ It was really good! So good, in fact, that I wanted to talk about it on my show today and give it a review. I'm a little nervous because I've never reviewed a story before, but here goes. Ahem.

"Happy emoticon : ) I love this! This is so funny my eyes are crossed from laughing out loud, or 'ell-oh-ell'-ing, like this: XD. Please make more or I will zap you with my Shrink-inator. ALL CAPS! Jk I'm just kidding but seriously, someone should make a real cartoon show out of this. Keep it up!

"Perfect. Now, let's take a look at some other reviews. Using my latest invention, the Mindreader-inator, I will read the mind of the author and give his responses to each of them as is customary near the end of each chapter, something I notice he has neglected to do himself.

"KuriMaster13: The author says, thank you for your reviews and for laughing at all his jokes, even when you don't really think they're that funny. He also likes your Shedinja wearing a Giratina mask profile picture. I don't know what that means, but I think he's judging you.

"Galaxina-the-Seedrian: He says sorry you missed that episode. In hindsight, he guesses it was a good thing he called it "Candace's you-know-what" so that it didn't spoil it for you, and once you get a chance to see it, you'll know what he meant. Also, thanks for calling his stories awesome! Exclamation point. Those are his exact words and punctuation.

"Jet Engine: He says thanks for reading, and pun somewhat noted. I guess he means that, like, as in to mirror your review.

"chronofall: He agrees with you and Jet, and would happily submit his stories to a couple of guys I've never heard of, Dan Povenmire and "Swampy" Marsh, to see if they liked it, if he were able. I'm assuming those are some big-shot writers in Hollywood? Yeah right, like that'll ever happen. They're not allowed to accept any unsolicited material; everybody knows that.

"Ryan Stoppable: The author appreciates your comments and promises to make an effort of including the rest of the gang more in his future episodes.

"bilaterus: The author says thanks for your review and assures you he will take care now! He also wishes to apologize for borrowing one of your story ideas to use as a creative way to respond to all of the reviews he has received thus far—wait a second, am I being used? Double wait, bilaterus? Isn't that the profile I hacked into some time ago to publish a story about evil love? Hold on, suddenly I'm feeling very conflicted about the producer of this podcast—BZZT!"

_(The screen briefly goes berserk in an electronic blizzard of black and white pixels)_

_(The title reappears on screen as the Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated jingle plays)_

"Well, evil subscribers, I am compelled by someone, the name of whom I won't mention, to conclude now. Look into that Fan-fiction stuff, I think it's gonna hit off real soon. And happy evil!"

* * *

**Special thanks to bilaterus for letting me play off the conventions of his story, **_**Doof's (Evil) Phinbella Story,**_** co-authored with Blythehasfreckles.**


End file.
